Anxiety & PPD

Somewhere Between a Forced Smile and a Dark Place 

I’m one of those people that look forward to bed time all day but once it’s here I can’t sleep. I don’t know if it’s because my mind races or the fact that I just enjoy time to myself without having to worry about anything. I’d like to say it’s a healthy mixture of both, but that would be a lie. Most nights I read Instagram like it’s the daily news, say my prayers, and somewhere in the middle of my prayers inevitably get lost in the thought of non-existence. Death is something that I’ve always had a great anxiety over. I saw a therapist about it and he explained to me that people that are scared of dying haven’t fully lived yet. That theory makes sense to me to an extent because most elderly people have come to terms with the idea of death. This isn’t a spiritual post, more of a “why do we have to be aware of the inevitable” post. I spend nights reading about close encounters or people that have come back from dying or long comas. I get scared to go to sleep because I fear I won’t wake up or if I wake up I’ll be unable to communicate with anyone or take care of myself. I had a TIA a little over a year ago and I feel like I have some PTSD from it. I got really dizzy and tired and took a nap and woke up and could only say the words “bath of the bathroom.” My husband rushed me to the ER where my parents met us and I don’t remember any of the experience. I couldn’t answer any questions. Didn’t know who anyone was. Just woke up two days later after being medicated and was fine. Had a MRI a couple weeks later and they verified that it was a TIA. Now being a stay at home mother I’m so anxious that something like that will happen while I’m home and I won’t be able to care for my son. When I was younger and thought of dying I imagined playing in the clouds as an angel with big wings and a long white dress and seeing everyone that had passed on before me. It was a joyous place and everyone was represented as their best self. Now as a young adult I feel that when we pass we become souls and we’re more like beams of light with no human form. It’s far different than my ideas as a child. I get anxiety over these things. Which is silly, I know, but it’s an every night ordeal. I once asked my therapist, “what if death is just like a deep dark sleep of nothingness?” His response was, “well what’s so bad about a good sleep?” I should find peace in this, because there is truly nothing wrong with a deep dreamless sleep. 

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